not there yet
Aug. 2nd, 2004 02:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spiderdustA lot of people on my friends list are linking and referring to this post by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
misia. It's about being a survivor of violence and abuse, and not being ashamed of it.
I'm just not at a point right now where I can stand up and say, "No Pity. No Shame. No Silence." I'm still angry.
I don't even like thinking about it as something that defines me. Saying that I'm a survivor just reminds me that I was once a victim. About a decade ago, someone was complimenting me on what a survivor I was, and I blew up at him. "FUCK SURVIVING! When do I get past just surviving and just go on with life??"
Being beaten, raped, and berated isn't something that's going to hold me down, but it's always going to be there. I can't erase it. It's molded me into who I am and how I react to things, and not always in good ways.
I'm angry because the person I could have been never got the chance to grow up. I'm angry because surviving meant that the sweet natured person I used to be learned that you have to be mean and cruel, or you'll get hurt. I'm angry because some members of my family still don't acknowledge that anything bad ever happened to me. I'm angry because I still have trouble figuring out my boundaries. I'm angry because instead of taking care of my body when something's wrong, I always argue with myself about whether something's really wrong or if I'm just "making a big deal out of nothing" (part of why I once had internal bleeding for 3 days before I went to the ER).
I'm glad for the rest of you who can stand up and say, "This is who I am, and this is what happened to me. Deal with it."
I'm just not there yet. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't want sympathy. I'm just still trying to deal with it myself, and hate it.
misia. It's about being a survivor of violence and abuse, and not being ashamed of it.I'm just not at a point right now where I can stand up and say, "No Pity. No Shame. No Silence." I'm still angry.
I don't even like thinking about it as something that defines me. Saying that I'm a survivor just reminds me that I was once a victim. About a decade ago, someone was complimenting me on what a survivor I was, and I blew up at him. "FUCK SURVIVING! When do I get past just surviving and just go on with life??"
Being beaten, raped, and berated isn't something that's going to hold me down, but it's always going to be there. I can't erase it. It's molded me into who I am and how I react to things, and not always in good ways.
I'm angry because the person I could have been never got the chance to grow up. I'm angry because surviving meant that the sweet natured person I used to be learned that you have to be mean and cruel, or you'll get hurt. I'm angry because some members of my family still don't acknowledge that anything bad ever happened to me. I'm angry because I still have trouble figuring out my boundaries. I'm angry because instead of taking care of my body when something's wrong, I always argue with myself about whether something's really wrong or if I'm just "making a big deal out of nothing" (part of why I once had internal bleeding for 3 days before I went to the ER).
I'm glad for the rest of you who can stand up and say, "This is who I am, and this is what happened to me. Deal with it."
I'm just not there yet. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't want sympathy. I'm just still trying to deal with it myself, and hate it.
